I wish I could say I’m surprised about Georgia
I really do.
When I was 8 my father took me to New York City for the very first time and knowing I’d be upset at the sight of the homeless lining the street he got 10 bucks in quarters, nickels, and dimes and gave it to me to give to anyone we saw asking for it.
No sooner did we reach the very first person asking for change when I emptied the entire contents of my tiny pockets into his cup. Gave him every penny I had. So the homeless guy turned to my father and said, “The little man has a heavy hand.”
Three or four years later we’re shopping at an outlet mall. Surrounded by fleece a tired man in sweatpants in a t shirt asked me if I could spare some change. His wife had JUST had a baby and if I could spare 40 bucks so he could get a taxi with a baby seat he could pick up her and the baby and take em home.
I was appalled at his situation. I assured him, I didn’t have any money but my DAD did I and off we wandered through the store to find him. Honestly I think the guy was just too high to recognize I was a kid when he first approached me but as we turned the corner of a rack to find my giant of a father his eyes grew wide and his facade faltered. Mine did not, I practically dragged him to my dad, retelling the story for him and asking my dad to help, I’d never been conned before. This is what good people did.
My father got very still and stillness in my father was dangerous. Something I grew to recognize later in life but that my hustler recognized right away. He started to speak but my father stepped between me and the man, handed him 20 dollars and said “Go away”
I was horrified. My father loved this part of the story “Excuse me!” I said to my father in my 11 year old indignation. “He needs $40 for his baby at the hospital!”
My father explained, gently. I was outraged. Betrayed, I burst into tears and was inconsolable and to make matters worse on the way out we saw the guy pulling the exact same con on a new mark near the exit. On the ride home my father said, suddenly, “I should have punched him in the fucking throat.” My mother hushed him. I vowed with reddened face and tiny balled fists NEVER to get conned again.
I was wrong.
The girl down the street came over to play and stole my nintendo. A boy I knew in middle school borrowed my magic the gathering cards and then, suddenly, didn’t want to be my friends anymore and never returned them.
Watching late night TV over the years I bought a dehydrator, “magic” fishing lures (I’ve still never been fishing), and was only JUST saved from purchasing a set of replica samurai swords with my bar mitzvah money.
The adults, and those who have known better around me, have sadly shaken their heads and loved me for who I am. I’m lucky. My mother, to this day, threatens to write a novel called “the Sucker” about a teenager who falls for everything until one day it turns out to be real based on my life.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit, with each little cut I’ve gotten colder.
Colder is the only word I have for it. I’m always mad at first, like the first time with the outlet mall. When a friend borrowed 500 dollars years ago for rent money that I never saw again. Or last month when the gofundme I backed for moving and medical expenses went to drugs as I saw when his mother tagged me and all the other donors in a facebook post to let me know where my money had gone and that, let’s call him Brian, was headed to rehab.
I messaged her “Please untag me. I hope he feels better.” She messaged back. “He loves your podcast. He’s such a huge fan! I’ll tell him you say Hi” like I was in a bad comedy
In each of these little moments I’ve raged in my head and then gradualy grown colder
I click the donate button slower now than I used to, I pick up the phone less often. I dont take out my headphones when someone asks anymore. With each little wound the ability to wound me has gotten harder.
Not impossible mind you but harder.
But this year in politics…has turned me to ice.
For clarity, you have to understand that as long as I’ve been politically aware in any serious way the “good guys” have won. I voted for Obama…twice. He won. Sure, I remember my parents being bummed out when Bush won but less than when the Red Sox won the world series…WAY less in my father’s case.
No, this November was the first chilling moment when I realized just how stupid and selfish, how downright evil “We the people” could be. And since that moment everyone has done a really good job of…proving me right.
Now look, I know I have an audience with nowhere near my privilege who are thinking to themselves right now “Oh poor little white boy. Did you just figure out the world isn’t fair at the age of 30?” and to them I say “hey go fuck yourself you unempathetic prick. It turns out my suffering is still a bad thing for me no matter how woke you personally think I should have been at this point” but assholish or not the point deserves acknowledgement. So here once again. Yeah. I should have known better. Give yourself some points.
So no, I’m not surprised about Georgia and I won’t be surprised in 2018 when things go…just as they always have. When red states go red and blue states go blue and purple states go purple in a way that nothing changes or matters.
Honestly, I won’t be surprised in 2020 if Trump wins again because the democrats are too busy eating our own and voters find themselves unable to vote for anyone but the bisexual little person running on the antifa platform they supported in the primary.
I won’t be surprised when rights, healthcare, and the lives of the people I care about are stripped away for the short dollar because being the bad guy in history only matters if you aren’t dead and by the time anyone turns out to really TRULY be the bad guy….they’re dead. Hell even Hitler wasn’t around to lose the war.
I’ll be sad. I’ll be angry. But I won’t be surprised. I don’t have it in me any more to be hopeful. Its exhausting. It’s been awhile since I’ve had ghosts or Gods but the last faith I had to lose was in people.
But I’ll still keep giving to your gofundme.
If you enjoyed this blog and would like there to be more of them please pledge on Patreon
Also follow on twitter
Become my fan on facebook
Subscribe on Youtube